Sex
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Sex, Sexuality and STD’s

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I am going to write about something that some may find controversial, and is off-topic from the general heart of this blog.  It aligns in the sense of encouraging people to be the best version of themselves and to reach higher than the current norms. There has been a lot of buzz in the media about the rise in STD’s, and the rate of young people engaging in sexual activity.

The irony is that Sex Education and dealing with these issues is often handled in a very practical manner. Teaching about safe sex, handing out free condoms, etc. However, sex is anything but practical. It is highly emotional. Rarely, if ever, is sex planned systematically for it’s practical benefits… In fact, the only times I can think of planning sex are when a couple wants to get pregnant, or for the explicit purpose of making it ‘lose-your-mind-and-senses-amazing’.

I believe in order to really create change, we need to reach young people, particularly girls, at the emotional core. Sex in all its forms is highly emotional, so it only makes sense to connect on an emotional level.

Sex does not affirm your desirability

There is a misconception that being sexually desirable and having sex are linked. There was a report about a young girl in America who put her virginity up for sale. My co-workers were discussing this bizarre news story when one of them commented, “I don’t believe she’s even a virgin. She’s very pretty.”  I interjected, “I think that is a poor argument. I don’t think the two are linked. You can be pretty but have some self-respect”. Everybody laughed “You’re in Ireland now”

Okay, laugh. But the problem extends far beyond Ireland.

It’s a sensitive topic, because if you take a stance like this it can come off ‘prudish’ or ‘square’ but in reality, the most highly sexual and passionate people realize that the best sex is in love, not hookups.

We link being pretty with being desirable. And then we link having casual sex with being attractive and wonder why there are problems with teenage pregnancies and a rise in STD’s?

I believe a woman can be extremely beautiful, but her worth goes far deeper than having a man want to sleep with her. She may be pretty, but she also is interested in life, in learning, in people and has hobbies. She is… wait for it… a whole person.     She can be pretty, and attractive, and smart and she knows she is worth far more than a cheap one-night stand. She knows she can offer amazing sex… and amazing conversations.

I believe girls today need to understand their value. It’s fun to be pretty. Let’s not take that away. It’s fun to wear cute clothes, get your hair done, look cute. Be feminine! Lavish it! Yet realize that is only one small part of who you are. Sort of like icing on a cake – sure it makes the cake look nice… but it’s what the cake actually tastes like that matters.

Sex as a tool to win the guy

In his song, “Young Girls”, Bruno Mars sings about his ‘addiction’ to young, wild girls – basically, the easy, one night stands.   There is a line in the song that says “Oh, I still dream of a simple life. Boy meets girl, makes her his wife. But love don’t exist when you live like this, that much I know” Even the guys chasing the one-night stands understand that this is not truly what they want.

Some girls may use sex to win the guy, feeling like if they don’t sleep with him, he will move on to somebody else. If he does, let him. You are not an object or a toy. I don’t personally believe sex can ever keep a guy anyway. The only difference is he will sleep with you and THEN move on to somebody else.

One Night Stands Vs. Passion

One-night stands versus passion may seem like an odd heading. I mean, passion is what usually instigates one-night stands, right? Nope, that’s lust. Not passion.

Everybody says that the first time they have sex with a new partner is often the most awkward. So, why are one-night stands and sexuality interconnected? Why do people connect sleeping around casually with one’s right to enjoy sex? This is a very weak point.

I don’t believe the first time one has sex is always awkward or sub-par, but the differentiating fact is often passion and desire…. which is built by time and being desirable yet somewhat elusive…just-out-of-reach.

Think about it. If a guy wants sex, he can go to a prostitute…do you think he is going to have respect for that prostitute? No. She met a need and that’s it. End of story.

Likewise with the one night stands. A guy finds a girl attractive, she is pretty, sexy, has a nice smile – they flirt, sleep together. Well, that was easy. Next.

Same scenario, different story. A guy finds a girl attractive, she is pretty, sexy, has a nice smile. They flirt. She doesn’t sleep with him. He’s still thinking about her the next day – wants to know her more. She is pretty, sexy, has a nice smile and a great personality. She doesn’t sleep with him. Geez. This takes a bit of work. This girl must be worth something.   He wants to spend time with her. She is pretty, sexy, has a nice smile, a great personality and is very intelligent…

Get the point? She becomes only more beautiful, more desirable – he sees past her physical attractiveness, though perhaps that is what hooked him -men are highly visual – but now he starts to see her as a person, and his desire is only growing. The greater the desire, the deeper the commitment, the hotter the passion … the better the sex.

Guys want girls who are hard to get

You may think guys want a girl they can sleep with. And they may, for a time. But I don’t know one guy who wants a girl who has slept with every other guy on the football team… or rugby or GAA. Naomi, “You’re in Ireland now”

I remember when I was a teenager and was still a virgin. I was with my friend and we were talking to this really good-looking, popular, older boy. Teenage girls can sometimes forget their friendships in the name of boys, and that happened on this particular day. We both liked this boy, and my friend said to him about me “She’s still a virgin.”; as if that was an insult and would lower my chances.   I will never forget his face. He raised his eyebrows, looked at me and said “Stay that way until you’re 21, and stay as cute as you are and you will have every guy on the planet dying to be with you”

Girls today need to recognize their value is far deeper than sex. They need to understand that guys actually WANT the girls who wait.  I believe there is a balance. I believe women should feel pretty, and beautiful….. AND smart, and interested in life, and fun.   Girls, and women, need to understand that the best sex is in love, and grows as a couple learns best how to make the other happy. And that it’s okay to wait. In fact, it’s beyond okay. It adds value and makes you MORE desirable.

How to fight the STD problem

I believe this should be our aim in reaching young people today. They need to understand the practicalities of STD’s and condoms, but let’s face it, dealing solely with these topics is like putting a Band-Aid (plaster, to my Irish friends) on a broken leg.   Casual sex with multiple partners leads to STD’s… and heartaches, and lower self-worth. When reaching young people, we need to reach past the practicalities and reach the core. Let’s encourage our young people to be people of value. People who will save for the Yacht rather than waste every dollar they earn on a cheeseburger. And as a partner, as an individual, to recognize that they ARE the Yacht… they are worth fighting for.

 

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10 Comments

  1. Lumileesi says

    I wish we would’ve had chances to have conversations about things like this while i still lived there. Your practicality is somehow inspirational, and i mean that. I have so much respect for you. -Jada

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    • Aw, you are so sweet Jada! ❤ Are you enjoying being back home? We can still chat – the world is so much smaller with the Skype, e-mail and texting 😉

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  2. isabel says

    This is so relevant to today’s cultural issues among young men and women. I myself can attest to the detrimental affects of “giving myself away.” Had someone sat me down and explained these simple yet profound truths perhaps my heartbreaks could have been avoided. Now fastfoward to present day and I am soon to be married. Because of my past choices I’ve had to wade through some merky waters with my fiance. And there is healing involved and needed. Thank you Naomi Sirmans for being so brave and honest and for speaking truth!!!

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    • We have all done things we regret, and learn and grow and become better people as a result! Glean the good, and forget the bad. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!! Here’s to a beautiful, fulfilling future with your soon-to-be husband, filled with happiness, love and laughter!!

      Thanks for your kind words! ❤

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  3. Craig Smith says

    Great post! People do need to realize their worth. Western society has a way of denegrating men and women in objects and promoting a lifestyle that’s supposed to “Fun” when really it leaves us more empty than before. The Modern and Post-Modern movements have created segmented and broken people instead of whole people. Good points, keep writing.

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