I started this blog several years ago – it was more of an outlet than a blog. Still is. I named it ‘Dream and Pursue’ – as in, pursue your dreams, live your biggest life.
The problem is, shit happens. No matter how positive you are. No matter how happy you are. No matter how hard you work. No matter how deeply you love.
None of us are immune.
The last year has been HELL. THE most hellish of my life. I won’t go into it here. I’ve written about it all before. The point is, I have known a darkness that I previously didn’t know existed. I felt like I lost myself – like my personality was taken from my body and I was left with this shell, I lacked my normal motivation, my normal happy, positive, fun self, my drive to work and succeed. I struggled with PTSD. I haven’t slept for the past nine months without sleeping pills. I’ve lost a lot of friends – my fault. I’ve withdrawn. I lost hope. I felt like I lost ‘me’
Right now, it feels like so much is out of my control. One of the repercussions of this last year, is the fact that I gained 40 pounds in two months, due to a medication I was on to help with my PTSD. It genuinely did help me, so I’d do it again. But I don’t fit into my clothes and am bigger than I have ever been – even when I was 9 months pregnant. It’s just one of the things that makes me feel ‘not like me’ – but, this one I can control. At least I hope so!
So, in taking steps to get back to ‘me’ the first thing I am focusing on is my health and fitness. I’m not working at the moment, so the gym is a luxury I can’t splurge on at the moment. So, I’m starting with walking/running and eating healthy.
Many may not understand, heck, I wouldn’t have understood a year ago. But sometimes, all you can do, all it takes, is one step at a time.